Sensitivity is my super power.

I have always balanced being a very sensitive person who feels everything deeply with no longer desiring to be a watered down version of myself.  My whole life I have been “too sensitive” and overly emotional - you know, quick to tears.  I have a very vivid memory as a teenager of being told “I hate that you cry so easily, stop crying”. There actually was quite a long period of my life - like most of my twenties - that I did stop crying for the most part. It was like I had subconsciously shut it off because I never wanted to make anyone uncomfortable or show that I wasn’t okay.  I did not cry at my wedding, I did not cry at the birth of my first child. I had equated tears with looking silly or too emotional. I took that one comment and ran with it, and trust me it did not do me any favours. I am no longer that person though, even though I do not cry easily - I will cry. I am happy to say I cried at the birth of my second child, because right around that time is when I realized that I couldn’t continue on living the way I was and I was determined to do something about it. It took some time and not a moment of it was easy, it didn’t really happen the way I would have expected it to. Up until about two years ago the Jess everyone knew was whatever version of me I thought I needed to be to be loved and accepted by whoever was in the room. I felt like a chameleon who’s entire existence was dependent on validation from others. I will never shrink myself into that person again. Being a sensitive person though makes that a challenge a lot of the time. Because I feel everything so hard. And no matter how much healing I have done and will continue to do there are just some things that will always hurt. There will be a tiny part of me longing to be accepted, validated, and loved - simply because I am human. I’m learning to be okay with making people uncomfortable with my authenticity. I am learning how to not be liked or wanted. I worry less about what people think of me and I focus on the life I want to live and care more about what I think of myself. And I now feel what true joy and happiness feels like since embracing that.

Being an overly sensitive person healing from my own trauma while simultaneously being a mom raising my own babies (as a single mom) is the hardest thing I have ever done. I used to be so easily triggered by the smallest things. Messes, tantrums, meltdowns, constantly being needed and pulled at - it would all make me so high strung because I didn’t even know how to deal with my own emotions and now I had to manage the big emotions of my two tiny humans. There is no rule book for parenting on a good day, and the bad days just felt so defeating. Once I started going to therapy and learning that the way I was feeling actually had nothing to do with my kids, or whether or not I was a good mom I was able to shift my mindset. I started being able to separate my own emotions from what was going on with the kids. I've become much less reactive on my healing journey. I find myself much more levelled out even when something stressful arises. I am now able to meet my kids where they need to be met, I am able to allow them to feel the big emotions and support them through them without winding up angry or frustrated. I was able to find my way to becoming the mom I knew I was, not just a mom surviving everyday. I was able to become who I needed as a little girl with really big emotions. My therapist also drilled into me that the fact that my kids expressed those big emotions at home meant that they felt safe with me. That they knew they could and that it meant I was providing a space for them - it meant I was actually doing a pretty good job. Even when I wasn’t able to respond to them in the best way sometimes, and during a time when I was feeling enormous guilt for separating their family into two households. It helped me to know that I was doing okay. Being a sensitive person in this world is challenging. Being a sensitive person who has now found her voice, able to stand up for herself, and is more okay with the uncomfortable - while still challenging, it is also so liberating. I embrace my sensitivity as my superpower, it is what makes me Jess and I am very okay with that these days. 

I think that it is important to acknowledge though that just because someone makes a statement such as that, it does not mean they are no longer allowed to still experience negative feelings and emotions. You are allowed to still struggle with a situation that you have healed from. Have those moments, feel them, and then allow yourself to let them go. The difference is they aren’t so self consuming anymore. I have already mastered survival, now it's time to master joy. My healing has been about allowing myself to feel everything. The painful stuff AND the happy stuff. One of the most powerful things you can do is take your darkest experiences, your deepest pain, the stuff that almost broke you (or did break you)… and turn it into something beautiful, a force to be reckoned with. Turn it into the most beautiful and radiant healing for yourself and use that to shine vibrantly so that other people feel safe and brave enough to do the same. I believe that sometimes on the days you aren’t feeling the best about yourself are the days you will make the biggest impact. Because you still showed up. That is how you start making waves that have the potential to change people's lives. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled. Everything you need to change your life is within yourself. You might feel tired, overloaded, or like nothing is working out. But I am telling you it’s doable. You CAN make it happen. You are not required to forever live in your past, learn from it, heal from it  - and use it to improve your life. I think it’s for the best that we don’t forget all of the bad stuff, because as much as we want to wish it away it truly does make us who we are. 

“If you forget the past you are doomed to repeat it.” - Jax Teller (Sons of Anarchy)