Vulnerability is hard, this is a safe space for all.
My kids got to go to BC with their dad this week which means I had nine days without them. That is the longest I have gone without seeing them in over a year. Even though I miss them and want to know what they are doing every minute of the day, I am also so happy that they get the opportunity to go visit some family and see the ocean with their dad. I may have missed their first airplane ride but I am choosing to look at it like I missed their first airplane ride with their dad, not our first airplane ride together. Does that make sense?
As for me, I took the opportunity to get the heck out of town! My partner Tyson is a long haul truck driver, he owns his own business so I hopped in the truck with him for the week. We went to MInnesota hauling some giant pieces of farm equipment. That is the extent of my knowledge there ha! It might sound silly but this was my summer vacation and I absolutely loved it. It was so nice to take a break from all of the responsibilities at home and just be. Even though we are just driving and I have been staring out the window it is a much needed break from the day to day. My mind feels so clear and relaxed, ready to jump back into mama mode come Monday. I am actually in the truck right now writing this, sitting on the bed nice and cozy while Ty drives. How cute, right? We have only argued once, and being in a small confined space together for days I think that is pretty dang good! Although the amount of times I have to pee in a day might cause a fight soon LOL.
I have been struggling a lot with finding the courage to just start writing. I have a list a mile long of ideas and topics but I overthink all of the things and then I get overwhelmed. What should I write about first? What order should I share them in? What if it is not interesting? You know, the usual self-doubt. The biggest one I lose sleep over though is ‘how do I make my content helpful to others? It needs to be more than just the ramblings of some girl’s mental health battle right? I think though (or maybe I just hope) that just by sharing my journey and what has helped me there is a chance that in itself might make someone feel a little less alone, less ashamed, feel seen and heard. Maybe they’ll even find the strength to ask for help if they need it. So here I am, starting!!
That is what this is all about for me, making mental health and the things that we struggle with feel less taboo and more commonplace to discuss. I want healing to be seen as a journey, not a destination where you have to announce “I am all better now!”. That ain’t how it works friends, and even I am guilty of wondering when I am going to be all better now and what that will feel like. I struggle a lot with making people worry about me, so when I go through a period of bad mental health I feel like a failure because I had told them I was doing better. Truthfully what I have realized is that “better” just means I’ve grown and I have learnt how to handle and cope in healthier ways, not that it's all just gone away never to be thought of again. There is a balance that can be achieved between taking care of your mental health, and letting it control your life. I have come to believe that happiness is more of a choice then we realize and that is especially hard to see if you are suffering from things like depression. I totally get that. There is nothing worse than being told “just stop focusing on that and be happy” when you're in the thick of it. If it were that simple we would gladly do that right? However on the fip side, it is totally possible for two things to be true at once. You can struggle with anxiety, depression, whatever it is and find your happy…it just takes work and the willingness to stop letting it run your life. I know this all may sound silly and you might be reading this thinking yeah, okay. And that is a-ok. Nothing written in my blog is meant to be a how-to guide or a step by step program, it’s just meant to offer new perspectives, real life stories and struggles, and hopefully provide some hope that it can get better. Because I promise you it can. It is hard work, and that work won’t look the same for everyone because hey we are all uniquely different.
At the end of the day all I want is for this to be a safe space for everyone. Whether you are currently feeling the worst you have ever felt, if you just want to read about someone else who struggled with mental health, or if you are on your own healing journey. You are safe here, and you are not alone. The brave face is exhausting, trust me I was the queen of it. I can assure you it will not get you anywhere but dug in deeper and feeling even more alone. Please, if you take anything away from this today let it be that. Take that brave face and throw it in the garbage. If you can’t open up right now that is okay, just tell yourself it is okay if you are not okay. Even that is a step in the right direction. A very simple example? I acknowledged and vocalized that I was struggling to write, that took my anxieties power away and here I am 1000 words later with a post ready to share. You have the power to change your life, take it and run with it friends.
If you have read this far I truly thank you, it means the world to little ol’ me. Where are you in your mental health journey? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
