Friendship and not feeling chosen

I have struggled all of my life with friendships. Making them, keeping them, all of it. If I had to sum it up in a couple words I would say that I have not often felt chosen. I can count on one hand friends that I have that have remained lifelong friends that I truly feel secure with. When I was younger like in elementary school, I was self conscious and insecure to the point that I had no courage to make friends. I would kind of just float around from person to person, group to group until that connection ended and then I would move on. Looking back now I think it was because of the insecurity and not really knowing myself I had no clue what I was looking for in a friend. As soon as something happened that I didn’t like I would exit stage left and carry on. I was also made fun of and excluded on purpose at times, which did not help the situation. There were definitely friends I had in elementary school that were kind to me, but they then did not last into highschool. I never felt like the girl anyone wanted as their best friend. 

That changed a bit in highschool, one of those life long friends I did meet in highschool. From grade 9 until this very day she is someone who I know without a doubt will always be there, she is family. Even though she lives in a different city, we see each other when we can and that is enough. Along with her came a group of friends that I did stay connected with all throughout highschool, but I definitely lost touch with them after graduation. Do you see what I mean now? For some reason the connections were never lifelong connections. Truth be told there were a lot of factors that played into my not staying connected to my friends from highschool, like moving away for a boy. So I mean there is that. After highschool I think it's tough because it's normal to all go in different directions. It was just something I know even my mom took notice of, Jess never really found her people like most do. 

I thought I had found my people in my early twenties though. It was a mix of friends and family kind of in two seperate groups. It was a really great group of people I had gotten to be good friends with over the course of ten years. I thought for sure they were my forever friends, the no matter what happens type of friends we go through it together type of friends. Ride or die type of friends. It turns out that was not the case. This group of people were people I had become friends with alongside my now ex-husband, we had become friends together so they were not my friends or his friends they were our friends. We were kinda always the odd couple out though, and as soon as we got divorced it seemed as though it was just too messy for them. It was not messy though, that’s the thing. We did everything in our power to make it comfortable for everyone….continued going on group camping trips together with the kids. All of it. But then they kind of just stopped inviting us. Or me. Or him. There was definitely some unrelated drama stirred into all of this with some, but not all. I know now that a few of them had found out some information about our marriage and they chose not to talk to us or me about it and instead just sorta hightailed it out of my life. For the rest I’ve never actually been told the whats and the whys - but I also did not ask. Some of these friends I knew I needed to seperate myself from for the sake of my mental health and healing, some I didn’t think I needed to confirm with that they wouldn’t end our friendship. I have to accept responsibility for the fact that due to abandonment trauma that I didn’t even really know I had until about a year ago - when people distance themselves, I let them. I hold a giant mixture of  so much love and so much hurt about this that I am still healing from.

I made big mistakes and I owned my part in it with my ex-husband, my family, and the people I could talk to at the time. Here’s the thing though, I feel like real friends do not up and bail on “friends” without a word because of a mistake, because of a divorce, because of anything. At the very least, yell at me, ask me about it, at least then you know they care. That is what friends do right? Talk. I felt completely abandoned when I needed my friends the most. Have you ever wondered if I stopped texting if I stopped trying to make plans  - what would happen? That is how I felt all the time, specifically when focusing on one on one friendships. As a GROUP, we were always together doing things. And I realize some might say well why is that not good enough? And I guess the answer would be because I am a deep connection kind of friend, kind of person. There were people I thought I was getting there with individually just to have the door slammed in my face repeatedly. And then to have them completely walk away after my divorce, well that was devastating. After that, I did become close with someone who quickly became my best friend. I learnt a hard lesson with that though, being lonely and quick friendship is not always the best mix. I was so desperate for someone to just want to be in my life that I looked past and made excuses for so many things. Hurtful things. Things that eventually led to the end of that friendship too, because it had been brought to my attention that I was letting someone treat me like a doormat. 

Why am I sharing this? Because so much of it ties into my mental health and my healing journey. I mentioned at the start that I never felt chosen, and that is something that I now know originates from being a child of substance abuse and addiction. I am not innocent in any of it and you have to be able to acknowledge that in order to grow. It is okay to feel hurt by the actions of others and also know you played a role in it. I started to believe it was all me though, that there was something wrong with me and that is what therapy helped me with. While seeking help for my mental health though I learnt a lot. Unhealed trauma from my childhood, while not an excuse, explained most if not all of it. As a child in elementary school I mean it was the norm for me to feel insecure at home so it was just par for the course at school and with friends so it was no biggie for me to just float. In highschool I HAD a solid group of friends, but we all went our separate ways after graduation and because of the unhealed trauma I also fled for a boy - my now ex-husband who was going to give me that security I wanted so badly. I had carried that insecure little girl with me all throughout my twenties too, into that new group of friends. I didn’t know at the time that it caused me to seek out acceptance so much that I did not care what it took to get it. I had no idea what I even stood for so whatever their values were, sure! I was in! Not until I was alone and started my healing journey did I realize that it was not that there was something wrong with me, they just could not have been my people because if they were - they would not have left. I would have felt secure. For others, things they said and did wouldn’t have made me feel so yucky. But they did and now I know it is because I don’t align or resonate with it - at all. I had my own reasons for pulling away from certain people and I accept my part in that. Nothing is ever one sided, and maybe someday I will get to learn the other side too. 

I may be 32 with few friends. But I am also 32 and I know who I am, what I stand for, what I need, and I found my voice. People will leave, that is a part of life I am learning. But just like me you will find your groove again. I am happy to report that those few friends are keepers who value me for exactly what I am, mistakes and divorce and all. I think relationships with every single one of the people I have lost would look completely different. I have spent so much time healing and getting to know myself that any old friends I once had really wouldn’t even know me anymore, and that's okay. Your mental health truly will shape every relationship you ever have for better or worse. It just takes some of us longer than others to figure it out. 

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” - Dr. Seuss