I take medication to thrive, rather than survive.

There’s two and half months between these two photos. And both versions are equally loveable. The difference? An antidepressant.

I started a medication two years ago called Sertraline in addition to my usual antidepressants that I still take today. I knew that this medication was going to affect my weight when I started it, but at the time that was pretty far down on my list of concerns. My headaches were out of control, I was not sleeping, and if I did sleep my dreams were so vivid and attacking every anxiety I’ve ever had I was waking up drenched in sweat. Every single night. This point in time was the lowest my mental health had ever been, and I needed help beyond therapy to get some quality of life back. Not only for me but for my kids. I was not able to be the mom I knew I was. I was quick to snap, irritated all the time, and on the verge of tears at any given moment. Something as simple as a bowl of goldfish being spilled on the floor would set me off. My tank was beyond empty. My doctor warned me about the side effects, and yes they sucked. There was no way to know how my body would react, and waking up drowsy was pretty likely. But let me tell you, I was sleeping again and the dreams were gone. My headaches got less and less until they were nearly gone completely. The way my body reacted was to blow up like a balloon. You know that feeling where you could be popped with a pin and it would be so relieving? That’s how I felt. I swelled and was carrying a ton of water weight. Swelling runs in my genes so I wasn’t really surprised- you should have seen my legs and ankles during my pregnancies! Ouch. Shortly after the event on the left I found myself able to go off of this medication. The swelling went away as fast as it came, and the water weight disappeared. I actually couldn’t believe how fast it happened to be honest. It’s not lost on me that people took notice of both times my body changed…and I was asked “what happened?”. My answer is simple, I started a medication for my mental health that gave me life back. And I would do it again. I know the idea of taking a drug that is going to affect your body, and therefore maybe how you feel about yourself is not an easy choice for everything. That is not the point. That is not why I am sharing this. I am sharing this with the hopes that it might spark thought about the stigma around being medicated for mental health in general. 

There is already still a lot of shame and guilt around taking medication for something we feel like we should be able to manage on our own. Your body drastically changing only adds to that. I’m sharing this to hopefully help others see that it’s okay, it’s worth it, trust yourself to know if you need help. I have had conversations before in the past where I have been told that I should try smoking weed or eating gummies instead, or I should do this or that as if taking prescribed medication from a doctor was somehow the worse option. I have never felt that way. Does taking any sort of medication suck? Sure, there are always possible side effects and it would be AMAZING if you just never needed it…but life just isn’t that simple. I am a firm believer that if there is something that exists out there that can help you, that can improve your quality of life, that can improve your well being there is just no reason to suffer. I would be lying if I said that I was not ecstatic to be able to come off of this particular medication recently. It meant alot to me that I was in a place where I felt like I could give life a try without it - but I would not hesitate to reintroduce it to my life if it became necessary again. I am not out here trying to say that everyone should be medicated, I think there are very valid reasons to choose not to be medicated. But that is the point - the choice is there and if someone does think being medicated is better for them, that is okay. I am not exactly sure where the stigma even comes from when it comes to taking medication for your mental health. Is it because some people just don’t understand it? Is it because it is so common right now? You know, the “oh another person with anxiety” mindset? I hope someday everyone is able to get the help they need without that internal struggle. 

In September of 2023 I tried to lower my dosage of the usual antidepressant because I thought with the addition of Sertraline maybe I would be able to take less of the other one. It did not take long for me to realize that it was having a pretty negative affect on my mental health, and I was pretty bummed out. I let it become some sort of measure about how my mental health was doing. Like I was failing, or too weak to handle it on my own. I felt like something was wrong with me. But eventually I was able to see more clearly that all of the work I was doing to be healthy works hand in hand WITH medication - and there was nothing wrong with that. Being on medication, how much medication, or no medication at all does not make you more or less whole. So I went back up to the dosage I was previously on and I have no regrets, I am still at that dosage today. There is no award for struggling unmedicated, and if it takes you from surviving to thriving - guys and gals that is a GOOD THING! If I help one person feel a little bit less ashamed of taking that leap for a better left, that I feel like I have done my job. It is NOTHING to be ashamed of.