Finding peace and clarity in the mountains.

I get to write this sitting on a balcony drinking my coffee, with the most beautiful view of the mountains. How lucky am I? We planned this trip, my boyfriend and I because a friend of ours got married here in Canmore, Alberta. It was a beautiful ceremony with a view of the mountains and then we danced the night away. What I didn’t expect was the complete refresh of my nervous system, the complete and utter calm I felt the minute I laid my eyes on the mountains. The way the air felt on my face when I rolled down the window. I can’t even tell you the last time I just effortlessly danced and laughed for hours with no care in the world. I can’t tell you the last time I just stared at the beauty of something like the mountains and actually took it in. Breathe the air in so deeply. Listened to the water so clearly. Smiled so genuinely. It has been pure perfection. Something I had no idea my heart and soul needed so badly. I haven’t had an opportunity to get away like this for so long, it has just been so special and I have truly taken in every single moment. 

Truth be told, my mental health has been a bit of a roller coaster these past few weeks. It’s an ongoing struggle with feeling overwhelmed with motherhood, and trying to process a lot of feelings that I have about things that feel unresolved for me. Things that are probably going to remain that way so I am just navigating and trying to find my peace with it. I easily get so wrapped up in things that just don’t matter sometimes. I worry endlessly about things I have zero control over, and it is draining. I wish it was as easy as just not doing that, not spiralling about silly things - but I have to embrace that part of myself. I never really give myself a break, or the grace I would quickly give others. When my mind is in this state it is really hard to find my groove as a mom and now as a writer of this blog. I was so excited for this trip to Canmore because I knew I needed a break but this has been SO much more than a break. I struggle to even find the words to explain it but it feels like I found the peace I was looking for, the clarity I needed, and the ability to just let it all go. To be honest I never really understood what idea of clarity or what that I felt like. I get it now. That feeling where your thoughts all untangle and things are clear and simple. You see a path ahead of you again that you are feeling confident in walking. I have recently been struggling a bit with the VERY common issue of caring too much about what others think. It’s so cliche right? I actually hate it, and hate is a strong word. But I am always so hard on myself, like common Jess we have worked on this!  I can confidently tell you my courage has been reignited, and I am feeling so okay with not being what anyone thinks I should be. I have dreams and goals, things that I want to try, and things that I am working towards. I am supported by a great group of people, my kids are happy, and my relationship is thriving. I am thriving. 

As I sit here looking at the mountains I am reminded that the world is so big. Life is about so much more than the things that go wrong or the mistakes that have been made. I needed to be reminded in a big way that what I am doing matters, my dreams matter, my story matters. It is okay to miss people and hurt, and still experience joy. It is okay to find peace with no closure, but still hold onto a little bit of hope that someday it might happen. It is okay if you are unable to solve every problem or feel wonderful about everything. That can be true AND you can still be happy. You can have a rough week or three with your kids, and you are still a good mom. It all goes back to what I always say, two things can be true at the same time. I lost sight of that for a short time, but I found it again. Here in the mountains of Canmore, Alberta. I am feeling inspired again! I am letting go of the self doubt and I am eager to get started on some projects I have been putting off. I am ready to explore some new things, and to continue learning and growing. Travelling all around the world just is not the stage of life I am in, and I know it's not always accessible but I do plan to do more adventuring. More breathing in fresh air. I will be making a more conscious effort to really take moments in and seeing the beauty all around me. Because it is there, even on the hard days. 

We are a week away from my kids starting school. My daughter will be in grade one, and my son will be heading to preschool. There is definitely a lot of anxiety wrapped up in my son starting preschool because he just does not want to go…..already. I am feeling a sense of peace though now in just letting go, and letting it be what it is. It might be hard. It will probably be hard. But we will get through it. I have a refreshed sense of calm about it. I have a refreshed sense of calm about mamahood in general. I cannot wait to get home and hug my babies and tell them all about the big beautiful mountains I saw. This last week of summer break is going to be great, and I have this trip to thank for that. 

“Clarity and simplicity are the antidotes to complexity and uncertainty.”