Reflecting on summer as it comes to a close.
As summer comes to a close and the new school year is about to start I can’t help but reflect on the summer. It was my first full summer as a full time stay at home mom. Let me tell you, it challenged every fibre of my being in ways I never expected. But it was also so incredibly special to be able to spend so much time with my two beautiful kids. Being a stay at home mom is no joke, it requires a strength I did not know I possessed. I spent more days than I would like to admit asking myself if I was built for this, and I doubted my abilities to be what they needed on a regular basis.
Was I feeding them enough healthy food?
Did I let them have too many snacks?
Was I getting out of the house and doing enough with them?
Was there too much iPad time?
Was it a mistake to launch my blog while I had them home 100% of the time?
Is it okay that I focus on my own work sometimes?
Are they socializing enough?
Truly the list goes on and on. But that is just a part of being a mama isn’t it? Is there ever really a time we are not worrying about all of these things at a mind numbing rate? The reality of it is though that we truly did have a great summer together. We played, we laughed, and we grew together. After my divorce I knew that they needed me and I knew I needed them which is what led to my decision to quit my job. A decision that had many people thinking I had lost my mind. I have no regrets. The bonding I did with my kids this summer is invaluable and being a constant for their everyday life at these young ages of 5 and 3 (turned 6 and 4) is something I will always cherish. All of the good, beautiful moments outweigh the stress and overwhelm and that is what I hold onto. My therapist once told me that the fact that I worry so much about being a good mom, means I am one. And that is a piece of advice I keep at the forefront of my mind always. On top of all of that, I DID launch my blog while being a stay at home mom and I am so beyond proud of myself. I showed myself that I am capable of the hard things I was doubting.
Breaking cycles and actively being on my own healing journey as a mom is not easy. Add in the fact that my kids for a long time were still adjusting and hurting too, sometimes it felt impossible. It is tough to manage where you are putting your energy and sometimes there just is not enough to go around. It is so easy to focus on things that feel like failures instead of giving yourself any credit for the wins - big and small. But I can confidently say that we have had wins. Every time my daughter does not hold back in telling me her feelings is a win. Every time I am able to meet them where they are at with their big emotions and talk through it is a win. Every time they show me that my lap in the morning, or my bed in the middle of the night is a safe space for them is a win. Listening to my daughter sing a song about how much she knows her mommy loves her - I know I am doing a good job. Perfecting parenting does not exist. There is always going to be guilt and mistakes made. There are always going to be nights where we sit down after a long day feeling like we completely screwed the pooch that day. One of the cycles that I am actively breaking is lack of acknowledgement, which means when I feel that way or they show me in their own way that I screwed up - I acknowledge it immediately. I tell them I am sorry. I make sure that I focus my attention on understanding. I no longer tell myself or them “well I reacted that way because you did this.” Was I triggered by their behaviour? Yes absolutely. But that is not their burden to hold. That is my burden to fix. My triggers are not their responsibility. That is what this summer at home with my kids did for me, it made me learn how to manage my triggers and take responsibility for them.
Some other important things that I had to acknowledge this summer:
You are not always going to get closure.
Mud can be cleaned up, and the floors can be vacuumed.
People are not always going to support you the way you think they will. Focus on the ones that do.
If someone is determined to focus on the negative, don’t try and fix it.
Acknowledging your capacity for certain things, whether it be friends or family does not make you selfish.
You CAN do hard things. And usually the thing you are most afraid of is going to be the best thing you ever do.
You don’t need to convince people that you are worthy or a good person. The right people will know.
Your kids are the best source of true unfiltered fashion advice you will ever have.
You are allowed to be struggling and be happy at the same time.
You can miss someone but know that distance is what is best for you.
Coffee on the deck is the best start to the day.
The biggest one? Your kids don’t need an extravagant summer, they just need (and want) YOU. School starts here on Tuesday and I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t excited. Because I am. I am looking forward to some real free time to focus on writing. I still have so much to learn about both blogging and parenting - but I look forward to the journey.
What did summer 2024 teach or reinforce for you?
