I am not a low maintenance friend…hear me out.
I am not a low maintenance friend. I’ll try my best to explain what I mean. You know that quote we see going around all over social media all the time that says something along the lines of -
“Cheers to low maintenance friends, the ones we don’t have to talk to all the time…”
Every single time I see it, it makes me uncomfortable. It triggers me a bit because my overly sensitive anxious self just does not relate. I am not a low maintenance friend - but is that a bad thing? It truly makes me question myself though sometimes because I am like - is that how I should be or feel. I think that there are two kinds of mindsets in this regard. It was something someone said to me actually that made me really think about it. They said “if people aren't telling, I’m not asking”. Whereas I am the type of person that feels like if you never ask, I am not going out of my way to keep you updated on things you aren’t making any effort to ask me about. Do you see how those two different mindsets could quickly and unintentionally cause a rift? The most confusing part for me is that I think both mindsets are completely valid. I have trouble figuring out if I should be continuously updating even though they are not asking, or if it’s fair that I don’t want to. Admitting stuff like this is hard. Expressing needs that maybe someone else doesn’t align with can be really intimidating. And because I completely understand that some people think the opposite way, they want to be told and not have to ask I am in this weird place of trying to make sense of that.
For instance, as an example of what I am trying to explain is that I had talked to a couple of my friends the other day about my daughter getting her first injection for psoriasis, and then on the day of the injection one of them reached out and asked me how it went. It meant a lot! It sometimes feels these days like you’re too needy if you are this type of person ya know? And I do have a fear of being too much, too sensitive, too emotional, too personal. But I cannot be the only person out there that struggles with this or that feels this way.
I know my need or want to be asked comes from a place of insecurity, being abandoned in the past as well as a fear of being a burden. I hid how bad my mental health was for so long because I didn’t want anyone to worry about me - and I am still actively trying to heal that part of myself. I believe that plays into what I am talking about a lot. If I am asked for an update on something, that is confirmation for me that they care to know more. Does that make sense? On the flip side though I totally understand that life is busy, people are busy and everyone has their own stuff going on. It may not always be easy for others to remember or think to ask.
So how does one balance that? Particularly someone like me who struggles not to overthink. I wish I had a simple brain that could just go with the flow and not worry about these things. OH what I would give for that!! I am an overly sensitive gal so it is hard for me to sort out valid feelings from my anxiety sometimes. It is just another part of my healing journey and something I think I will always struggle with. I have a really tough time feeling secure still in just being 100% myself. Maybe I have some work to do in the space of understanding. Understanding that we all think differently. Maybe I need to get better at expressing these things, and what I need in order to feel secure. Because I still SUCK at that.
Healing is not linear, that I know for sure. I will get there someday. The more that I open up about these things, the less I question myself too. It can feel impossible to silence the things our anxiety or other mental health issues try to tell us sometimes. You can know how your feeling is irrational but that doesn’t necessarily mean that those irrational feelings go away. So when you are struggling with all of these things, how do you find a balance between what you feel you need, but not having such expectations that ultimately lead to feeling disappointed or let down. Being vulnerable like this and admitting things feel easy to judge isn’t easy, but I think that it is so necessary. I think it is necessary because once you say it outloud whether it be speaking or writing - it loses some of its power. The hold it has lessens a little bit. I wrote this blog today for myself, but with the hope that maybe someone else might resonate with it and not feel so alone. Or needy - wink wink.
This is one of those blog posts I worry is just going to sound like complete rambling. But you know what…sometimes it be like that! Ultimately being able to safely feel all feelings and express thoughts is why I started this in the first place. I am so proud of the growth I have achieved to get to this place where I CAN say this stuff. This may entirely be a ME issue. I am not a low maintenance friend. I need and want to be asked too, and my goal over the next little while is to stop feeling so guilty about that and find some security in my relationships with others. I am told being able to identify what I need in order to feel secure makes me emotionally healthy. I hope some day I can stop doubting that so much.
“Emotional security is a relational confidence in which you know and trust that your feelings and needs are as important as the feelings and needs of others.” - Wise Heart
