My Anxiety Explained

Welcome back!

Sometimes trying to describe or explain what we are struggling with can feel really tough. I remember in the beginning trying to explain what anxiety is or felt like made me feel embarrassed. You wonder if it is going to sound “serious enough” or if it’s going to seem like you're over reacting to something normal. 

I have personally been made to feel like what I was struggling with wasn’t as bad as others so I needed to describe it better in order to be taken seriously. I have been told “well lot’s of people struggle with that”. Hearing things like that can really make it hard to want to continue talking about it. Truthfully it feels awful. 

The Mental Load we often Avoid Talking About

Some struggles are loud. Others are quiet—so quiet, in fact, that even we don’t always recognize them as struggles. They show up in the background of our everyday lives, disguised as “just the way we are.” But over time, they pile up, making it harder and harder to carry the weight of them.

I’ve spent years battling with things that, on the surface, might not seem like a big deal. But they are a big deal—because they affect the way I move through life, the way I see myself, and the way I navigate my mental health.

These are the things I don’t always talk about, but I know I’m not alone in them.

The Complete Inability to Rest

I suck at resting. Like I really, REALLY suck at it.

Like, actually resting. I can sit down. I can physically be still. Sort of. But my mind? It never stops. The second I try to relax, my brain goes into overdrive—running through my to-do list, reminding me of things I “should” be doing, making me feel guilty for slowing down at all.

And truth be told the physically sitting still part isn’t that simple for me either! I am SO fidgety at the best of times. Sometimes I actually get physically uncomfortable, I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin. It’s so bizarre. What I learnt in therapy is that I HAVE to make myself sit through those moments of feeling uncomfortable over and over and eventually it will start to feel less and less. It’s that anxiety wave right? If you can get yourself through the peak of it, the rest is a breeze!

I don’t know why I do this to myself. I know rest is important. I preach rest to others. But when it comes to me? It feels like something I have to earn. Like I don’t deserve to stop until everything is done which, let’s be honest, is never actually the case.

The worst part? Even when I do force myself to slow down, I don’t fully enjoy it. My mind is already planning what’s next, worrying about the future, or replaying the past. It’s like I don’t know how to exist in the present moment without feeling like I should be somewhere else, doing something more productive.

But I’m trying. I’m learning to remind myself that I don’t have to earn rest, it’s something I deserve, simply because I’m human. And if you struggle with this too, let’s work on it together. Because we are allowed to stop. We are allowed to breathe. We are allowed to rest.

My Personal Specialty - The Overthinking

If overthinking was an Olympic sport, I’d have a gold medal. Actually probably like 10. Some silver too.

I analyze everything. The things I said, the things I didn’t say, the way someone looked at me, the tone of a text message. Did I come across the wrong way? Did I say too much? Did I not say enough? What if they misunderstood me? What if they’re mad at me and just haven’t said anything yet?

It’s exhausting. And the worst part? 95% of the time, the things I obsess over don’t even matter. The text I overanalyzed? The other person read it and moved on with their day. The conversation I replayed in my head for hours? No one else even remembers it.

Overthinking creates problems that aren’t even real. It steals peace. It makes you question yourself constantly. And the more you feed it, the worse it gets.

So, I’m working on challenging those thoughts. Asking myself, is this actually a big deal? Or am I just stuck in my own head again? And reminding myself that I don’t have to carry every single thought to the finish line. Some things? They’re okay to just let go. I have also become a lot better at just asking when I am feeling that way. Sure it may feel silly sometimes, but it’s a heck of a lot better than sitting and making myself ill over the what if’s and mental torture of wondering.

The Cleaning Loop

For me, cleaning isn’t just about having a tidy space. It’s about control.

When my surroundings are clean and in order, my brain feels slightly less chaotic. But when things feel messy? So do I. I can’t just “leave it for later.” A dish left in the sink? I feel it. A pile of unfolded laundry? It sits in the back of my mind like an unresolved problem. It’s like my brain tells me, If everything looks okay, maybe you’ll feel okay too.

But the truth is? No amount of cleaning will ever fix what’s going on inside. No amount of scrubbing, organizing, or rearranging will quiet my mind if the real issue isn’t being addressed. And sometimes, I use cleaning as a distraction because it’s easier to wipe down a counter than it is to sit with uncomfortable feelings.

So, I’m trying to find balance. To remind myself that a little mess isn’t the end of the world. That my worth isn’t measured by how spotless my surroundings are. That I don’t have to “earn” rest by making everything look perfect first.

Because life is meant to be lived in. And that means sometimes, things will be a little messy. And that’s okay.

The People-Pleasing Trap

I hate disappointing people. I hate the idea of someone being upset with me, even when I know I did nothing wrong. So, I say “yes” when I want to say “no.” I apologize for things that aren’t my fault. I bend over backward to make sure everyone else is okay—often at the expense of myself.

The problem is, you can’t please everyone. No matter how much you do, how hard you try, or how much of yourself you give—someone, somewhere, will still find a reason to be unhappy. And the more you try to control how people feel about you, the more you lose yourself in the process.

I’m learning that saying “no” isn’t selfish it’s necessary. That I don’t have to over-explain or over-apologize for existing. That I am not responsible for managing other people’s emotions at the cost of my own.

And maybe most importantly—I’m learning that I deserve the same kindness that I give to everyone else.

Finding Peace in the Chaos

I wish I could say I have all of this figured out. That I’ve found the magic solution to overthinking, to restlessness, to people-pleasing. But the truth is, I’m still working on it. And that’s okay.

Healing isn’t a light switch. It’s not something you wake up one day and suddenly have all sorted out. It’s a process. A messy, nonlinear, sometimes frustrating process.

But I do know this: The more I work through these struggles, the more I realize I’m not alone in them. And neither are you.

So, if you’re reading this and nodding along, just know I see you. I get it. And we’re going to be okay.

Because healing? It’s not about never struggling. It’s about learning to carry things differently. And we’re figuring it out, one day at a time.

If you have read this far and relate to any or all of it - I see you. I am here to ride that anxiety wave with you friend.