Good morning everyone. I have had a really hard time writing over the past couple weeks so I just allowed myself to take the space to manoeuvre through that. Some of it came from anger, some of it was resentment, and some of it was just feeling really frustrated about how I was feeling. I was feeling a little bit like a fraud. Like because my mental health was feeling like such a roller coaster, who am I to be here talking about it. I was also disappointed in myself, I was disappointed that I put myself in a position where I could get hurt when I should have “known better”. That is ultimately what happened though, and I needed to process that. I needed to take some time to process some big feelings and make sure the content I was writing was coming from a good place and not anger. Healing, being the cycle breaker, and being so sure of your journey while positive can also be your kryptonite. It is tough, raw work you are doing and it sometimes results in not feeling seen and heard where you expect to be. The hardest lesson for me lately has been accepting that, while remembering that it does not make my journey untrue. It does not take away from my truth. For some, the capacity to hear hard things just isn’t there and we can’t control what other people are capable of. You can lead with the best of intentions but you will never be able to convince someone to hear you if they either just don’t want to, or don’t have the ability at that time. It is extra hard when it is a parent. But I have come to accept that he will find his way back to me if he wants to. It is not my job to show him the way. Lord knows I have tried.

After some time I realized something pretty huge though. I was okay. It didn’t break me this time. It didn’t send me into a spiral. It didn’t consume me. And that my friends, is MY healed. That is my validation. Validation that the journey I have been on is working on is so worth it. I remember days I would cry and wish for a day I felt like I do right now. Able to speak for myself and express feelings without fear. Able to look at a situation and go nope, you’re not going to take my peace from me. Able to feel pulled back into wanting to fix something and know that I deserve better than what is being offered and walk away. That version of Jess did not exist a few short years ago, and I am just so grateful to have found my way here. To where I am now.

It is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, so I was feeling called to share my thoughts on what I am thankful and grateful for. To put it simply I am thankful for my journey, for my story. Would I change much if I could, yes. But the journey I have been on the past few years has created a version of me that I wouldn’t change for the world. I am so grateful for this Jess, a Jess anyone who used to know me truthfully doesn’t know at all.

I am thankful for forgiveness. The forgiveness I have given myself, and the forgiveness from those closest to me. The people that did not leave.

I am thankful for letting go. Letting go of who and what was not meant for me. Letting go of the responsibility I was carrying that simply was not mine to carry. Letting go of any need to be seen as anything but myself.

I am thankful for the humbling journey of losing people. Sounds weird right? Why would I be thankful for that? The answer, because you should never have to convince people to stay. I lived a lot of my life always trying to be what would make people accept me, see value in me. I have no desire to be that way anymore, and I am grateful to be here in that place.

I am thankful for finding my voice. The voice I always knew was there but lacked the confidence to use. To be able to use my voice for something meaningful to me, and no longer fear what anyone else thought about it. Cause frankly, I don’t give a sh*t. Here’s a very simple piece of advice…if someone expressing their feelings about mental health, supporting those who struggle with mental health, or advocating for mental health makes you uncomfortable. Makes you mute or unfollow them. Makes you annoyed? Do yourself a favour and unpack that for yourself. You’ll be better off for it.

I am thankful for my partner, Tyson. He has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. Someone that has known me since I was 5 years old. Someone that sees all of the baggage, and knows absolutely everything there is to know about my journey - and loves me anyways. He knows when I am not doing great before I do. And he has given me the freedom to just be Jess.

I am grateful for my small crew of people who are closest to me. The ones that know my heart, know Jess and value that. The ones that have seen me at the worst of times but still only saw the best. The people that are always cheering me on. This even includes the connections I have made on social media. There is such a beautiful community out there of people who are just sunshine in human form. Just building people up, not tearing them down.

And, I am thankful for my beautiful children. They teach me more everyday than anything or anyone else. We have truly grown and healed together. Being their mom is my greatest accomplishment and I cherish being fortunate enough to be home with them every single day. Being a stay at home mom is no joke, but I wouldn’t give up that hard for anything. The joy they bring me is indescribable and I look forward to watching them grow.

There has not been anything easy about my journey over the past few years. But I have come to accept that if it weren’t for that journey I wouldn’t be where I am now. Happy. Happy thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians. I hope everyone has had a beautiful weekend.

“Sometimes life becomes a bit difficult. There are hard times and even some little things can mess up your life. Make the best out of these moments. Don’t forget to smile. You can cry as loud as you want, but smile. Just stand up and go on. You can do everything you want.”

— Miyavi

I am thankful.

Two things can be true at once.

Unplanned, short and sweet.