Two things can be true at once.
I want to talk about self-doubt. I know there are so many images and great quotes that circulate around social media about this topic - they are great. They have helped me more times than I can count. They are great for snapping you out of a spiral, or giving you that mini boost of confidence in the moment. But I want to talk about the how and the why we fall into self-doubt rather than just telling you not to doubt yourself with a simple one-liner. I wish once you tackled it once, it never happened again but that just isn’t how it works. I often struggle with self-doubt that comes from anxiety and over thinking.
Something I have been tackling for years and years. Sometimes I win the battle, sometimes I lose. But every single time I learn something from it. The best thing I have ever done for my own mental health is adopting the mindset of ‘two things can be true at once’. It has truly been a game changer for me. I say it out loud to myself often, and I have even said it to other people. As an example, I told my mom recently “acknowledging the negative things that happened, doesn’t make the good parts untrue. They can both exist at the same time.”
You can be confident about what you are doing, and still have moments of self-doubt.
You can be well on your way in your healing journey and still have moments of self-doubt.
You can be overwhelmed and still experience joy at the same time.
You can struggle with anxiety AND know you’re so much better than you have been in the past.
You can know that what you are overthinking about is silly, but not necessarily be able to stop it.
You can be aware that seeking external validation is not healthy, and still feel sad if it isn’t happening.
For me what I have struggled the most with is caring too much about what other people think and not feeling like enough. As of late it's been:
I am not as healed as I think I am or I wouldn’t still struggle like this.
Nobody cares about what I have to say.
And I am really hard on myself when I lose my temper with my kids.
But a couple things have happened lately that made me stop and go okay, Jess - you have validating proof that these negative thoughts you are having aren’t true. Lets learn from this. Why does this mindset continuously set in? And well to be honest it's because it is how my mind operated for 20 some years. It takes practice to change habits and patterns! I know this, this is not new information to me and yet I am SO hard on myself. I dwell on things and then it is like I enter a frozen state until I can work my way out of it.
I am a big universe gal, that is what I believe in if you will. I think you’ll get exactly what you need when you need it. Lets take my examples above of what I have been doubting myself on for instance..
I am not as healed as I think I am or I wouldn’t still struggle like this.
The other night I attended my very first School Committee Council meeting for my children's school. I just wanted to be involved, informed, and play a part in the experience my kids are going to have in the public school system. I just wanted to go be a member. I left that very first meeting EVER as the Vice Chair of the SCC committee. Now let me tell you, a year or so ago there was NO chance I would have stuck my hand up for that role. There was a slim chance I would have even gone to the meeting - because of my anxiety. Interacting with people was tough for me and I would have come up with a million and one reasons why I didn’t belong on a committee. Why I shouldn’t do it. I would have avoided the message calling for parents to join and forgot about it. Not now though, when I received the message I was eager. I messaged back right away saying YES! And then when they needed to fill the role of Vice Chair I said YES. Who am I, I sat there thinking. But there was no panic attack, no sweaty palms, no racing heart. I was calm and felt great about it. And you guys, I realized right then that JESS this happened because you are healing. You are doing better. You are doing the work and you are seeing the result of it happening right now.
You can struggle with anxiety and still be Vice Chair of an SCC committee.
Nobody cares about what I have to say.
This one is tough. Because I hate to break it to you or even to myself but there ARE always going to be people that just do not care about what you have to say for one reason or another. Your role in that is to stop worrying about those people - and that is where I still need some practice. A lot of this for me comes from being quite different then the rest of my family in terms of being vocal about my feelings, mental health, and my story. I am not private about my story because I believe very strongly that it makes a positive difference for others. I think that I had initially expected more people I already knew to be like wow Jess good for you! Or something. I don’t know. It is searching for external validation again right? And then the minute I stopped focusing on that, and remembering all of the people whose lives I have touched. The people I don’t even know messaging or commenting that something I said or wrote impacted them. I stopped needing to be seen or heard by anyone who didn’t want to see or hear me. And I got the most incredible text message out of nowhere a few nights ago. From a family member, someone I have always admired since I was a little girl. She had read my blog telling me how proud she was of me. It made me cry because it was so meaningful, but it also made me cry because I spent SO much time doubting myself and there was no reason for it. The ones who want to hear me, hear me.
You can be too much for some, and still be just right for others.
I am really hard on myself when I lose my temper with my kids.
I really hate when I lose my temper. But I am human, and sometimes the patience bank is tapped. It makes me feel really guilty though, like I ruined all the hard work I do every other day with them. It is pretty irrational to expect perfection out of myself, I know. But lately my daughter has said a few things that have made me go wow, I am doing okay after all. After a conversation about school and playing with friends on the playground I think she was just done with me asking her questions and she said “mom you’re making me upset”. I was taken aback, but also SO happy. YES tell me that. That is exactly what I have been working on. The cycle I am actively trying to break - hiding your feelings in order to be convenient. It is little things like that, that show me that even though mom loses her balance sometimes they know. They know that they are in a safe space here. And that is all I can ask for.
You can work hard at something, and still have your limits at the same time.
What is the take away from all of this? When the self-doubt creeps in, provide yourself with reasons why it is not true. Don’t dismiss your feelings, feel them as you need to but remember that it does not make all of the other stuff untrue.
“The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” - Sylvia Plath
