When parenting feels like an emotional shit kicking, but there’s nothing else you’d rather be doing. (part1)
Hi lovelies, I am so happy to be back. I needed that break, and one could argue I still do but to be really honest I need this outlet. The best way to explain the last few weeks is this…I feel like I have taken an emotional shit kicking via my beautiful children. The in’s and outs of everything that has gone on and is going on feels like a messy spider web in my brain that I am trying to unravel piece by piece. I will say that a lot of it has been something I’ve been dealing with for quite some time, years even. We just have reached a point where it is not exactly feeling manageable anymore. We need some help and we are in the process of exploring that.
My kids are both very attached to me, and truth be told I cherish that. All I have wanted since the day I became a mom was for them to always know they are safe, secure, and loved. It’s not meant as a brag when I say this, but I know in my heart that even when I’m feeling defeated I have accomplished that. My kids have big feelings and the two of them seem to be having a battle of wills as to who needs mom more right now. Parenting is hard. Just when you think you’ve gotten through a hard phase, another one starts. It’s not even like one big hard, it's all of the hard little things that add up that really just wear you out right? The little things you don’t even expect. Like your son refusing to wear a neck warmer unless it’s put on just right, or coming home from grocery shopping with all of their favourite foods just to have those cute little faces tell you they don’t like that anymore….since…10 minutes ago apparently? It’s the resistance of bedtime, it’s the screaming at you for daring to give them a blue plate instead of a green plate. For me, it is THAT stuff that absolutely does me in. And being someone who struggles with her own mental health it is that stuff that I battle internally every day in order to keep myself levelled out. That is when the overwhelm creeps in. There is only one of me and two of them and they both need me at the exact same time, want me at the exact same time and it always feels like no matter what I say or do someone is going to be upset. My biggest fear? Them not feeling chosen - because I know how that feels. I know logically I can’t be that hard on myself. I know I am not “choosing” anything over them. And I know waiting for me to be done with one in order to come say goodnight to the other isn’t going to result in therapy. I am only one person and I can’t be two places at once and I only have two hands. I might have eyes in the back of my head as far as they know but truth be told sometimes it feels impossible. And my anxiety sometimes wins those days.
Responsive or as some people call it “gentle” parenting isn’t something that I read about one day and decided to do. It actually was just naturally who I was as a mom and as time went on and certain situations with my kids started to arise I knew it was the right way to continue. Especially after going to therapy with my daughter.
My daughter is one of the most gorgeous things to walk on planet earth, inside and out. Totally biassed! But really. Her heart is big and bold. Her mind is beautiful, curious, and firm. Something that took even me - her mama - quite some time to understand. There is no such thing as just telling her no, she will need a fully executed detailed description for that no and the reason behind it in order for her to move on. Even when she does accept the no, she will absolutely tell you if it still just doesn’t make sense to her. And at the tender age of six, let me tell you….it can be a rollercoaster. There is no convincing her of anything, there is very little adapting to changes she has not approved, and once she has developed an idea in her mind about how something is going to go - god help you if you don’t comply. She has been this way forever though. I used to say it is her world and we are all just living in it. We are not yet at the diagnosis stage but I knew from a very young age that something was different about my baby girl. I knew her brain functioned differently. I knew she “needed” differently than other kids. The part I struggled with the most was her not being understood by others. For a while, and I hate to admit this - she was something I felt the need to explain and justify. Convince others not to take her demeanour and bluntness personally. I desperately just wanted people to understand, she is a good kid. She is loving. She is kind. Her heart is huge. She is just tough. I can admit that I have wished she was that gentle mannered smiley kid who said yes please and no thank you with ease. She wasn’t though and probably never will be. Even though I see the beauty of that now it was hard in the toddler years. Smiling in photos was a lucky chance. Sleeping and eating was always a battle and still is sometimes. She has existed completely on her own terms since the day she came earth side. Sleeping, potty training, eating, playing, getting dressed, outings….nothing ever felt easy.
Meltdowns were excruciating up until she was about 5. Thankfully we were able to work hard together at that, and find some better ways to express those emotions. I don’t think I will ever forget the minutes and hours of sitting in her room holding her close while she kicked, punched, screamed, and cried over something as simple as the wrong coloured plate. I am not exactly sure why but my ability to handle that just came naturally…maybe because I always knew she was going to be different, going to be tough. I never needed any convincing that what she needed in those situations was love. I knew she needed to know that I was never ever going to bail on her no matter what she did. She doesn’t respond much to rewards, and discipline didn’t seem to sway behaviour. At least not for me. It seemed to be a totally different situation at daycare or school or grandma's house most of the time. That was the most frustrating part, feeling like nobody understood what I was dealing with. Like I was exaggerating.
“She’s just a kid”
“She feels safe with you”
“That's normal for 4”
“That's normal for 5”
On and on and on. But finally…because of school we are able to move forward exploring what might be going on with my beautiful girl. Her teacher sees it. Her teacher reached out to ME, I didn’t even have to say anything. And I could have cried with joy in that moment. I don’t give a shit what she does or doesn’t “have”. It makes no difference to me. She is perfectly amazing just the way she is. What I do care about is making sure I am doing everything I possibly can to give her the best life, education, and ability to cope with the world and her emotions.
Anyone who says that responsive parenting is lazy or the easy way out has certainly never tried it. There is nothing easy about it. It’s trying, and it’s most definitely exhausting. Add in the part about healing from your own crap to that? It can be excruciating. It’s in those moment when you realize that what is easy is yelling, what is simple is dictating. It even took some time for friends and family to understand why I reacted the way I did to blow-ups, melt downs, or not listening. You can waste all of the time you want yelling or dictating expectations to her - it will get you nowhere and it will only escalate what she is feeling. Remaining calm and validating feelings when you’re exhausted is HARD. But I know that is what she needs and I believe fully that that is what everybody needs. It is also so important to reinforce that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH HER.
I know that my daughter might make people uncomfortable. That’s okay with me. She was born to take up as much space as she wants. She is loud and she can be tough, I knew it from the day I laid eyes on her. I also knew it was my job to protect her fire even when it wasn’t pleasing to others. I really don’t care if I raise a tame daughter. Although they might come out at inappropriate times (like asking me why that guy’s finger nails are so long while he is in earshot…oops) I have no plans to teach her to keep her opinions to herself. I was a people pleaser, quiet and non-boat rocking. Go out and rock that boat girl - you are you and I am here for it.
No matter where our journey brings us - she will probably always be a lot. Sassy. Full of energy. Exploding with love. Giant emotions. A lot of fierceness, a lot of ideas, and a lot of passion. The thing is that being a lot is her magic sauce and the quicker I can teach her that the better.
To be continued in part 2!
