Hope’s Voice - It gets heavy when you’re faced with needing to deal with old wounds.
Meet Hope.
If you’ve ever felt like you were supposed to be the one who had it all together—the strong one, the one who knew what to do, you’ll see yourself in her story.
Hope opens up about the kind of pain that doesn’t just come from one moment, but from years of loss, betrayal, and pressure to keep going anyway. In her words, you’ll hear what it’s like to feel broken while the world keeps moving, to carry silent insecurities even in healthy relationships, and to finally reach the moment where asking for help becomes the bravest thing you can do.
This is a story about grief, trauma, anxiety and also about reckoning with yourself, softening, and beginning to heal. It’s honest. It’s unfiltered. And it’s exactly what The Healing Voice Project is all about.
Hope’s Story.
You know that trend where you meet your younger self for coffee? I don’t want to imagine that because a younger me has no idea what’s coming, and I don’t want to break it to her.
My journey with my mental health hit a breaking point in 2024, where I really needed to take a deep dive into how I was going to manage my mental health moving forward. I knew I needed help, but stubborn me felt like I could handle it on my own. I went to school for this, so of course I can use all the tips and tricks for myself, right? Turns out, that’s not how it works.
In early 2018, my father lost his battle with cancer and I lost a huge piece of me that day. I was living with such immense grief, and I became a different version from who I had been until that point. It was hard to find joy and move on with my life, knowing it would never be the same. As I closed off more, the circle grew smaller. I wouldn’t have wanted to hang out with me either if I’m being honest. But with this huge change came a new purpose for my life, which led me to graduate school and a shift to a whole new career.
It sounds like I should have been managing well, all things considered, but I was hit with two big changes in my life after that. In 2020 an engagement abruptly ended when police had to escort my ex out of the house, ending what had been an abusive and damaging relationship. And yes, while I will forever be grateful for being out of that unhealthy situation, it left all sorts of wounds and opened up insecurities that are still hanging around, even 5 years later. Then came a breakdown in some important family relationships, causing more pain which made those existing wounds feel never ending. That small circle I had got even smaller after this. I carried so much hurt and anger that I wanted to push it all down so I could carry on, but I wasn’t truly “me”. Light hearted comments made about my life, like not being married or having kids yet, felt like pouring peroxide on a fresh wound. It stung. I replayed those comments over and over, coming to terms with how I had failed in my life.
It’s hard not to compare yourself with others around you, especially with how influential social media can be. So here I was, broken, watching life move on for everyone else when it felt like I couldn’t reach what I always thought “success” was. The version of “me” changed again. This time, she carried a lot of baggage with her that wasn’t going away. Deep hurt and betrayal, insecurities about not being good enough, blaming myself, constantly believing I failed in my life because I couldn’t fix family struggles and failing because I didn’t have what I always wanted - kids and a happy marriage. That feeling of failure was scary, and it led to putting a lot of pressure on myself. I carried that for several years. Trying to prove my worth at my job, in friendships, and what was left of family - all to tell myself I am worthy and haven’t failed. And if I’m being completely honest here - haven’t worked through this completely yet. While I know these thoughts are not accurate, it feels pretty entrenched after going through what I went through.
So we are now in 2024. I’ve been in a healthy relationship, but those old wounds and insecurities are hanging out still, never letting me settle or be comfortable. I then end up with a debilitating back injury that just gets worse over time. It’s one more thing I add to the failure list: “you can’t even walk or be independent, you’ve really failed”. Coupled with a sudden anxiety attack and I knew I needed help to work on my mental health. I also realized that I couldn’t be my own therapist with everything going on that felt like it came ‘out of nowhere’ (spoiler alert - it wasn’t out of nowhere).
It took her two sessions to look at me and go “you know you are living with high functioning anxiety, right?”
I’m sorry, who, me? And as she said everything back to me it dawned on me. Holy shit, that is me. She also took the time to say that she doesn’t often offer advice on medications, but she was pretty sure I could use some. So at my next appointment with my doctor I threw it out there that it was suggested I maybe consider some anxiety medication. She laughed and went “that’s what I prescribed you already - while it might work for your nerve pain in your back, it’ll definitely work for your anxiety”. Both saw something I couldn’t see in myself - I just figured that with everything I’ve gone through, that’s just how life is now. Except it didn’t have to be.
I needed someone to have me take a good look at myself and call me on my crap, because I can be stubborn, and I’m good at shoving everything down so I can control it and continue to function as “normal”. I’ve had to really be honest and learn that opening up and truly looking at those parts of me that are still wounded is what I need most for my mental health moving forward.
If I did ever want to meet my younger self for coffee I’d let her know that she’s about to go through some really hard times, but with time and medications, she’ll start to heal. And with that healing comes learning just how successful, worthy, and happy she truly is in her life.
-Hope
